


The Memory Child

by Cozy_coffee



Category: Supernatural RPF
Genre: Anal Fingering, Barebacking, Community: spnkink_meme, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Hurt Jensen Ackles, M/M, Past Rape/Non-con, Physical Abuse, Repressed Memories, Underage Rape/Non-con, comforting Jared
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2010-11-10
Updated: 2010-11-10
Packaged: 2018-03-23 02:53:49
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Rape/Non-Con, Underage
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,179
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3751795
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Cozy_coffee/pseuds/Cozy_coffee
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>A fill for the spn_kink_meme prompt: While having sex, something new that they're doing causes Jensen to have a flashback to a vague, repressed memory of something bad that had happened to him when he was younger</p>
            </blockquote>





	The Memory Child

This is not how a moment of intimacy should feel. Jensen should be trembling as his body sparks with pleasure; not fighting back sorrowful tears. He tries to keep quiet and bites the pillow, keeping the pain trapped inside. This time in their lives should be lovingly, purely romantic—not a nightmare where Jensen feels like screaming. 

Jared has three fingers inside him, stretching him teasingly slow, and Jensen wants to enjoy the erotic arousal his boyfriend gives him, but past memories, horrific, heartbreaking memories, are attempting to crawl up from the darkness and swallow him whole. He can ride this out, he tells his mind. Just push the bad memories away and every with be perfect. 

Jared crooks his fingers to brush over the little bundle of nerves inside Jensen’s, and what should be a pleasure moan is nothing but a tiny, quivering whimper. He furrows his brow as his eyes roam over his boyfriend's body. Jensen's hips are lazily rocking against the bed sheets, proof that Jensen is enjoying this. However, the muscles of his back and the knots of his spine are tightly coiled, a clear indication Jensen is in some type of pain. 

They have been intimate many times over the past year, their first year as a couple, and Jared is sure he has the perfect skill for prepping Jensen so there is little pain and much pleasure, but something is certainly wrong. Concerned for his boyfriend, Jared leans down to kiss along Jensen’s spine, kissing up to his nape to whisper into his ear. “Jensen, baby. Are you alright?” Closer now, he can clearly hear Jensen sniffling as he presses his face into the pillow. 

Jensen cannot keep silent, he cannot do this, not when he feels like he is coming out of his skin and he wants to scream and scream until his throat is raw. He pulls away and painfully yelps when Jared's fingers are roughly pulled out of him. Sitting up, shoulders hunched and eyes damp with tears held back, he tucks his knees to his chest and softly whispers “I can’t do this, Jared.” 

Jared is sure this is not about sex; something else is troubling his lover. “I love you, and I always will. You’re my soul mate and the love of my life, Jensen. You can tell me anything.” 

Jensen crawls to Jared and tucks his trembling body into Jared's embrace in an attempt to hide away from the pain that has hurt him for so many years. He has kept his secret buried deep down inside for a long time; it’s a raw wound that never heals no matter how many years pass. The pain of remembering is still sharp as a knife and when he dwells on the incident for too long, grief and anger consume him. It’s a package deal, the pain, grief and anger. Never is Jensen visited by only one.

Tonight is the anniversary of when it happened, all those years back. Although he’s lying safe in Jared’s strong arms, the thought of sharing his secret leaves Jensen feeling vulnerable and afraid. Over the past year they’ve shared as a couple, Jensen has felt the hidden truth between them like a solid brick wall. He knows the secret will always be there between the two of them, until he gives Jared his full trust. 

“He...he came into my bedroom in the middle of the night.” Jensen whispers, his voice husky and tight with emotion, wavering slightly as his heart slams against his chest. Jared remains silent, but the hand he’s had resting on the small of Jensen’s back begins to stroke him soothingly, as if encouraging Jensen it would be okay to continue. 

The tender touch gives Jensen the courage to carry on. “I was fourteen, and he was a business partner of my father’s. He and my dad were working late on a big project for their company, and they had to be at work early the following morning. To save time, my dad said that his friend could stay the night in our guestroom.” 

Jensen breathes a trembling breath while his heart kicks in his chest and the words fall from his lips. “I had already been asleep in my bed for a while when I felt his rough, chapped lips moving on my neck. It really startled me. I sort of jerked awake and was about to scream, but he shoved his sweaty hand over my mouth and told me to keep quiet or he’d slit my throat. He told me after he killed me; he’d get the rest of my family, too. I was…terrified….felt so helpless.” 

Jensen shudders with the memory and tears well up in his eyes. There’s a part of him that’s reluctant to relive the horror yet again. Another part of him is hopeful that maybe telling someone else, speaking aloud what he suffered through, will finally provide him with a sense of relief. He sniffles and curls up closer against his boyfriend, laying his head on Jared's chest. For his part, Jared remains silent. 

Jensen senses that the other man is at a loss to find the right words to say, that he’s afraid to interrupt the sordid tale. At the same time, Jensen can feel Jared’s love for him. It’s in the way Jared’s one arm tightens around his torso, the way his other hand caresses his back along the length of Jensen’s spine, as if to say, “I'm here with you, you're safe. I love you.”

If it wasn’t for Jared's unconditional love, Jensen wouldn’t be able to continue. “This man…He pulled off my clothes as if they were paper, just ripped them off my body. I was shaking badly. Then, he pinned me to the bed. I did try to struggle, in spite of the threats, it was instinctive. He was twice my size, though. Too strong. I felt like I couldn’t breathe, ‘cause he kept his hand tight over my mouth and laid on top of me. He was heavy, a pretty big guy…I felt panicked, like I was suffocating. I tried to beg him to stop, but my words were all muffled. I doubt they would have mattered, anyway.” 

Helpless, he feels his heart break, and he doesn’t want to relive the pain, but he needs to speak of the past in hope of healing this painful wounds. “There was no “prep” and he didn’t go easy on me. The guy just thrust his dick inside me…all at once…ripped me open. Every nerve ending in my ass screamed in agony. I screamed against the palm of his hand, too, and I felt his dick twitch inside me. My suffering excited him. I was shivering and whimpering like a wounded animal, crying for mercy, my eyes widening in pain when he rolled his hips, pushing his cock deep inside my torn, bloody hole. I don’t know how my parents didn’t hear anything. They were always light sleepers. No help came, though.” 

Jensen pauses to take a deep breath, conscious of his own trembling as he continues. “While I muffled by sobbing into the sheets, begging ‘no’ and ‘stop’ over and over, he rapped me, hard and rough, each thrust tearing my skin and bruising my muscle. In the end, I think it was my own blood that finally eased the pain, made the invasion less excruciating. I was shaking and sobbing, and every tear shed earned me another hard fuck. I felt like my insides were being shredded and, at the time, it seemed to go on forever even though in reality it was only a matter of minutes. He actually got off fast, the fucking sicko. My pain excited him; I could tell by the way he was grunting like a stuck pig on top of me.” 

Even as he speaks the sensation of past pain twists and coils like a snake in his lower body and he tucks his legs up and curls closer to Jared. He sniffles as he lets the pain of the past fall into the air. “He came inside me. It was disgusting, feeling his dick spasm inside, his hot cum pumping out in my ass. Fucking disgusting. For a few seconds, bile crawled up the back of my throat and I thought I might vomit against his hand. I thought maybe I’d choke on my own puke and die, and that would be just as well. I didn’t, though.” 

Jensen pauses, shivering in fear. Jared, being gentle and patient with his wounded lover, kisses his forehead and rubs his back. He wraps himself around Jensen, as if to say this is a safe room, you can be honest and speak the truth, and I will protect you. Jensen curls into Jared, breathing in his familiar, comforting scent as he lets the past tumble out of his lips. 

“When the guy was done, he pulled his limp cock out of me and I laid there crying. Again, he threatened death if I told anyone…if I made any noise. It wouldn’t have mattered to me at that point. I was in shock. I just went…numb. He left the room, leaving me on the soiled sheets. I don’t even remember getting myself into the bathroom to shower, but I found myself there, in the shower with hot water raining on my face. I scrubbed my body raw, cringing as I felt the mix of blood and cum dripping from between my legs. Only when the water ran cold did I step out and return to my room. I shut the door quietly, hoping that if I was silent as a mouse, the guy wouldn’t return. I slept on the floor that night. I couldn’t bring myself to lie on the bed, on those soiled and sticky sheets where he’d raped me.” 

Jensen suddenly begin to squirm on the sheets, and he swears he can feel the blood and cum soak into his skin. He whimpers and tries to pull away, but Jared tugs him to him, shushing him softly. He runs his hands over Jensen's body, leaving Jensen feeling only his touch and no past scars. A touch of love and friendship and safety. Jensen curls deeper into the embrace as he speak of the past. 

“The next morning he was gone, he’d already left for work with my father. I couldn’t face a day of school, so I played sick that morning. I was ashamed; I just couldn’t bring myself to tell anyone about what happened. I never saw my attacker again. A few months after that night, my rapist got some big fucking promotion with the company and moved away. His distance didn’t make me feel safe, though, and it did nothing to fade the scar he left me with. God, it’s been years now, so many years, and I never told anyone...not until now.” 

After Jensen finishes confiding the long, hidden truth, he’s left with vivid images in his mind’s eye. He can see the attack as clearly as the night it happened. He chokes on a sob and clings to Jared, hiding his face against Jared’s chest as he cries, wet hot tears streaming down his freckled cheeks. Jensen feels soft lips press against his forehead. Strong, safe arms encircle him even more tightly. Jensen can hear the quickening beat of Jared’s heart, as Jared’s fingers reach to stroke his wet face. 

Jensen looks up at his partner, anguish in his eyes. “Jay…” He chokes out, sounding like a lost little boy. Jensen feels this way often, small and helpless. Terrified. 

Jared's heart shatters. It crumbles into dust and it’s scatted to the wind by the sight of his soul mate, knowing that Jensen has had to spend his entire life keeping a horrific secret. What could Jared say in a moment like this? What words could he possibly speak to ease the overwhelming hurt and pain that his boyfriend had suffered with for so many years? There are no words to ease pain this old and deep, but Jared thinks that maybe, in time; his love will be able to bring Jensen comfort.

Jared continues to embrace Jensen, holding him close, kissing the top of his head while he whispers, “I love you…I love you, Jensen.” He says it over and over again, until he’s crying right along with Jensen. Every “I love you” is accompanied by a tender kiss. If Jared could trade his life to erase the past, to take away Jensen’s pain, he’d give it freely. 

But he knows that this is impossible, that there is no immediate fix that can close the gaping wound. Jared only hopes that, in time, his love can begin to help Jensen heal. Jared’s optimistic. It had to take courage to reveal such a dark secret; Jared feels this is a testament to the other man’s strength. 

Jensen may have been attacked, but he’s not a victim. He’s a survivor. 

♥ END ♥

**Author's Note:**

> Beta: pure_shite
> 
> [Written for this prompt!](http://spnkink-meme.livejournal.com/32449.html?thread=7688385#t7688385)


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